The definition of the Four Horsemen is explained with corresponding examples seen in life and counselling

zhongzi

2/3/20253 min read

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In the New Testament, the end of times is metaphorically represented by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They each give descriptions of death, starvation, conflict, and conquering. Based on our research, we utilize this metaphor to characterize communication behaviors that can indicate a relationship's demise.

1. Criticism

The first horseman is criticism, which refers to negatively evaluating the character of the spouse, and even involves accusing the other person on a personality level. Often in life, we hear couples express their emotions by saying, ‘Nuts!’ ‘What's wrong with you? ‘and so on similar words, said the heartless, very randomly blurted out, but will bury a lot of damage in the other person's heart.

2. Contempt

The second horseman is contempt. It refers to sarcasm, cynicism, rolling eyes, ridicule, etc., it expresses the disgust of people, and it's the most toxic factor in the marriage, which will only lead to more conflict and can not solve any problem. For example, in family counseling, we often hear wives say to their husbands, ‘You don't like me and want to change your wife? Do you have the ability to do that? Or, some husbands say to their spouses: I'm afraid that even if you dress up again, you won't be able to get out of the other person's temperament. There are also wives a little upset, on the blank stare, igniting the husband's nameless fire, quarrels will often end with a blank stare, a vicious circle. All this sends a very hurtful message to the spouse and also through the cumulative effect, makes marital problems accumulate and become more cumbersome and difficult to recover from (Gottman & Silver, 2018).

3. Defensiveness

The third horseman is defensiveness. It is the stubborn practice of self-justification; in fact it can become a way of blaming the other person. Expressing ‘it's not my problem, it's yours’ only escalates the conflict and does not serve any useful purpose. In family counseling, it is rare to find people who do not defend themselves, and the more serious the problem, the more common it is. For example, a visitor strongly expressed to a counselor that his wife never once admitted fault or apologizing for a problem for decades, the wife always unconsciously and instinctively justified herself, always having a multitude of reasons to explain, in the end, she would expressing ‘it's not my fault’, which almost made the husband break down (Gottman & Silver, 2018).

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4. Stonewalling

The fourth horseman is stonewalling. The direct avoidance of conflict, either one chasing the other or avoiding each other. Often marital relationships are prone to this phenomenon when they have gone through a phase of ongoing conflict, especially some homogenised conflicts that come up over and over again and are always unresolved. For example, When a woman was once asked to visit to try to go for constructive communication, she said straight away that it was impossible. It was because at the first sign of conflict, her husband would make excuses to leave the house and come back very late. Usually he would no longer make eye contact or argue with her when he was unhappy. This is very typical of wall-building avoidance (Gottman & Silver, 2018).